Laying It All Out

It's been about 100 years since I last blogged. Okay, maybe not 100 years, but it sure feels like forever! I had such fabulous intentions for blogging--a place to keep memories, a way to keep in touch with those far away, and I genuinely enjoy writing. Writing is cathartic for me. Always has been. I have kept a journal/diary since I was in junior high school. I have volumes upon volumes of notebooks from that time. And I still keep a journal, but I am not the regular writer that I once was. When times get tough for me, though, a return to writing always helps me feel better--it's the same feeling I get after a good cry; it's a release.

So I guess it's the need for release that has brought me back to blogging. Today is August 11. Three years ago, my father passed away with my mother at his side. Although I was in Arizona, I will never forget that day and the following days. I still miss him. And I am often sad that Miles will never get to know him. Yeah, we'll talk about Grandpa to Miles, but pictures and talking just isn't the same as having the person live in the flesh. Plus, anyone who knew my dad knows he was a total jokster. His favorite hobbies included fishing, golfing, and picking on the nearest little kid. It gave him great joy! No matter what we do, we cannot replace that for Miles.

I'm sure heaven is a great place, but I refuse to believe that he would rather be in heaven than down here on earth getting to know his grandson.

So there's that. I've been sad for a week or two now and that has a lot to do with it.

I'm also sad for another reason. Miles turned 2 in May and he's AMAZING in every way. He says please (peese) and thank you (anku) and excuse me (koome). And he names colors and is constantly asking, "Mommy, whatareyoudoing?" He loves, loves, loves swimming! He enjoys swinging, playing basketball, reading books, and building with his blocks. He is totally into Yo Gabba Gabba and Elmo. And Patrick and I want another child just like him! We've been wanting to have another baby for a long time; we've been trying for over a year and it's just not happening.

I'm frustrated and sad that we haven't been able to have another child. I haven't wanted to share this with anyone--I suppose I feel inadequate--and I am super tired of folks asking when we're going to have another one. I don't know how to answer that question anymore. Do I go into the details of my frustration? No, I just keep it all bottled up inside along with the stress I'm feeling from Patrick's new job and all of the life adjustments that must come as a result.

So there it is. See? Getting out it does provide me with relief. I don't need anyone to read this--and I'm sure no one will since it's been forever that I have used this blog. But I have at least temporary relief.